Saito Souma’s Healthy, Cultural Bare-minimal Living #1

I am a person afraid of pain.

Afraid of injections, do not even want an IV drip, actually, I even stay away from movies like “Grotesque”. That’s how I am,

For some reason, one day, a needle was on my wrist, taking a lot of blood.

At the time I was in pain, what suddenly came to mind, was a passage from a novel my favorite writer, Fukunaga Takehiko-sensei, wrote, “Grass Flower”.

“It is a weakness. But when I’m lonely upon seeing the night-time tide, what can I do about it?”
“If you’re lonely, won’t you need love?”

-Fukunaga Takehiko, “Grass Flower”.

Right now, for me, I think what I need the most is for a gentle big sister to tell me “the pain is flying away~”. While everyone was putting all their efforts in squeezing out my blood, I was in utter pain but could only crave for a goddess to soothe the misery in my lonely heart.

I’m usually in the seiyuu business, which is why it is rather cumbersome to write a serial column, which is dated six months earlier.

When I accepted VNT [Voice Newtype]’s offer, I just casually mentioned a request, and now that it’s become true, further discussions have been undergone.

After giving each other suggestions, the editor asked me “What haven’t you been having enough of lately?

Not having enough. Okay– How is it then. Aah–

Health.”

Then go with that.

Okay.”

Just like that, we simply decided on a good theme: health. Awesome.

Next thing is, in order to be healthy what’s the first thing you need to do? After some thinking, I concluded: “a comprehensive physical examination!” On one puzzling drive I had to add a physical examination to my own itinerary, so I came rushing there.

To sum it up, in order to graduate from being unhealthy, in order to carry out this new healthy, cultural bare-minimum life, I got a comprehensive medical examination.

I’ve already had lots of experience going to hospitals, through novels. However, in the real world, the number of times I’ve gone to these places called hospitals, are actually very low. So from the very start, I was very nervous.

While I felt that I’d been blinking my eyes much more than usual, I asked the lady at the nurse’s station,

Uh, is an endoscopy painful?

Such a childish question.

You only have a barium check in your physical examination today, though……?

What.”

That’s right. There’s no endoscopic exam today, just a barium swallow test. I found out too much about physical examinations on the Internet, about endoscopic pain and if I would hurt myself like a fool (it’s still good to have learned about this in advance).

First is the physical examination.

I’d declared my height as 168cm, but in the formal check-up we found out that it’s 169.6cm. It felt good. I’m 169.6cm. I feel that in the future I can say with confidence that I’m 170cm.

Followed by blood pressure and eye exams, and next was an intraocular pressure check. When I told the big sis that I’d never had that before, she told me,

Oh, that’s okay – You’ll just be blown by the wind –

Wind?

In the moment I thought that word, a gust of wind suddenly blew into my eye. It hurts!

An intraocular pressure check was like that, ah……just as I was still shocked into speechlessness,

I’ve been listening to your voice [actor work]! Keep up the good work!

Big sis said that with such a bright smile, what should I do? Please forgive me, I was still so glassy-eyed that I could only sluggishly mutter things.

Next up was the electrocardiogram.

This time there was a new nurse and I was half-naked for the physical exam,

This is a bit cold!

Whoa, ahaha, really, yeah!

After that dialogue,

Wait for [the electrodes] to work, okay? I’m cheering for you!

Thank goodness, fortunately, there weren’t complications in my ECG.

Next is a hearing exam, if I can hear the sound subtly coming from the other end; the results of the lung capacity test was even lower than the average; the barium swallow test wasn’t so bad; because I’d gone from place to place I felt weightless. In any case, the check-up was going fairly well.

Then comes what was in the beginning of this article.

We’re finally beginning to conduct blood tests. Drawing out blood.

I’d heard before that when a vampire drinks a person’s blood they’ll be able to put their soul into that person’s body. At least now, I feel that my entire body is already gone.

They pumped out four full tubes of blood, oi!?

They say it’s just a bar, really, it may be just a bar, ahh! You see, it hurts very very very much!

The people looking at my results saw my distorted face and laughed. How embarrassing.

A friend once told me, “I like the feeling of looking at my blood after it’s drawn out of me,” and I really think he is horrible.

After completing all exams, the last thing to do is an interview with the doctor.

While I was praying that there was no significant illness, I came into the room and what greeted me was an ambiance that seemed particularly suited to someone playing a grandfatherly role.

I looked nervous, the doctor said,

There are a lot of young and lovely girls here.

Huh?

After all, if there are lovely girls, the image of the hospital would be very different!

Couldn’t help but laugh. It would definitely make a big difference, ah.

But the doctor immediately sobered up,

From the results, ah,

Yes……”

The doctor paused, and paused, for a long time. If this was a stage play, people would have thought he’d forgotten his lines.

You’re in good health.

Thank you, draft beer. I love you, roasted codfish. It seems that I don’t have to give you up!

After the doctor gave me a detailed explanation, I successfully completed the first comprehensive examination of my life.

In the hot summer, I emerged out of this hospital, on my face a rare, refreshing smile that I’d presumably not done in recent years. Long live health!

After that, I had work early that afternoon, and to reward myself I went to the sushi shop, had a sushi feast, and had a night’s sleep to recuperate. Tuna’s head meat, amazing.

And I heard that alcohol solidifies barium, so on that day I drunk no alcohol. After a few days, the feeling of drinking beer, well, it’s just great. Sure enough, a summer with beer, ahh.

In a way, to answer the original question – to solve loneliness, I go out into the street. Waiting for me is, ahh, beer. See you next time.


  • TL originally dated 11/30/16.
  • “pain fly away~” is a thing done to kids where someone else presses their fingers to the boo-boo and somehow ‘swats’ the pain away? it’s a rather sweet/childish thing to do and souma does it himself as juujou masaki in the nakashou drama cd series!
  • i learned too much about check-ups working on this, guys (at one point i almost contemplated switching professions though IT WAS NOT THE ECG, I SWEAR)
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